Don’t be Selfish… It’s Not the Same

A friend of mine suggested this idea and I thought it was an important topic. I see a lot of self-help creators encouraging people to be selfish, in the sense that they should put themselves first, but these aren’t really the same thing. Of course, putting oneself first implies that they are in fact selfish, but I don’t agree that these two concepts always go hand in hand.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes the term ‘selfish’ as:

“concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”

Personally, I think the encouragement of selfishness is extremely problematic. In the context of self-help, care, and the development of confidence, knowing when to put yourself first is essential, as is setting boundaries, but disregarding others is not the right way to go about it.

A few days ago, I looked up “self-help industries” as I was researching my career. Instead, I found a bunch of articles highlighting that the self-help industry thrives on capitalism, individualism, and doesn’t benefit society as a whole, especially since it doesn’t delve into worldwide issues such as race, gender, and sexuality.

And you know what? I agree with that. Yes, this industry helps people, develops people, and creates successful individuals, but if we are encouraging people to care only about themselves, we are isolating ourselves from humanity, the opposite of what humanity needs most – connection.

The Difference Between Being Selfish and Putting Yourself First

I’ve also heard some people say things like, “Sometimes, you have to be a bit selfish” or “Sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish” but again, it is not the same as putting yourself first for the right reasons.

We all have different needs and boundaries. Prioritising yourself is not something you should be ashamed of or feel guilty for. Putting yourself first means that you value yourself just as much as you do others, which you should. Valuing your own needs doesn’t make you selfish; it’s essential.

I suppose this topic is a bit controversial, like most, in the sense that ethics gets a bit complicated in extreme situations, but the moral remains the same.

If someone is asking for money when you need it, wants to be in a relationship with you when you don’t, wants to be in contact when you don’t, needs your help with something, wants the spotlight when you have it, all of these things do not make you selfish so long as you have good intentions.

You should always try to help others when you can, but when you can’t or even really don’t want to, that doesn’t make you selfish.

Selfish behaviours include manipulation, disregard for others, lacking empathy for others’ suffering, showing no remorse when doing something wrong, taking things from others. In no situation are these things morally okay.

Selfish behaviours do NOT include taking a day off when you need it, prioritising the needs of close ones such as family, choosing who to surround yourself with, keeping certain things private, setting boundaries, speaking up when you feel comfortable.

The Thin Line Between Them

Obviously, as I said, these topics can get quite controversial so this might resonate with some or not. But the key message that I want to communicate is that being selfish is not cool. Purposefully disregarding others’ wellbeing or taking away opportunities is not okay. Putting yourself first does not mean putting others down.

And for that matter, don’t judge others because you think they might be selfish when they most likely have set boundaries, which is totally valid.

I know many self-help creators who tell people to be selfish most likely don’t actually mean it, but I think we should be encouraging people to be more empathetic. Let’s face it, it feels good when you get an ego boost, when someone tells you “BE SELFISH! YOU’RE SPECIAL! YOU’RE IMPORTANT!” Of course, you are, but so is everyone else. It is not just you watching that ego boosting video, but possibly millions. Millions of others getting that same rush.

Seeing ourselves as superior to others is what has caused so much wrong in our world. If we continue this, it won’t be just different races, religions, or sexes thinking they are superior but every individual against each other.

We are all human. We all matter. We are all special and important. So, when it comes down to it, respect yourself AND others.