Forgiveness: How to Let It Go

Forgiveness isn’t always easy. Some people find it easy to forgive themselves, living off a half-hearted lie and an excuse that they’re only human, though they cannot find it in themselves to forgive someone else. Some people forgive everyone, no matter how many times they continue to walk all over them, though forgiving themselves is an impossible feat, something they don’t deserve. So how do we make peace with both ourselves and others? What exactly is the act of forgiveness?

In the Cambridge Dictionary, the verb ‘forgive’ means:

“to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done, or not punish them for something”

Let’s look at a few scenarios that happen over a short period. Consider how you would feel if they happened to you.

Scenario 1: Your friend steals your pen. They apologise and tell you that they really needed it and thought you wouldn’t mind.

Scenario 2: The next day, you have an exam at school and notice your friend peeking over your shoulder at your answers. You feel a bit uneasy, but don’t do anything to stop them.

Scenario 3: At lunch, your friend ditches you to sit with another group. You see them point at you and whisper into each other’s ears. The whole group starts to laugh, and you begin to feel insecure, wondering what they were talking about.

Scenario 4: You and your friend are pulled into the principal’s office due to your test results being almost identical. You don’t want to get your friend in trouble, so you act as if you don’t know anything. To your surprise, your friend starts dramatically crying and accusing you of copying her answers. You try to explain to the principal, but they believe your friend and you fail the test.

At this point, I’m sure you’ve realised this ‘friend’ isn’t your friend anymore. You begin to hate this person for what they’ve done, bad mouthing them to all your other friends, your family, and anyone you can. It becomes an endless cycle of you ranting about them to anyone who brings them up or you bringing them up out of nowhere just to rant. Even though you have barely spoken to them since, you cannot help but glare at them whenever you see them, your mind consumed with hatred. Eventually, you come to realise that this isn’t getting you anywhere and you need to let it go.

Forgiving Others

There are many misconceptions about the act of forgiveness and what it means. Here are some key points to help you learn how to let it go.

1. You don’t have to forgive and forget.

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese

Sometimes the people who hurt us the most are the people closest to us. If someone does something wrong to you, especially a friend or family member, and you decide to forgive them, it doesn’t mean that you have to forget what they did to you. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you think that what they did is okay, and you don’t have to pretend nothing happened. Forgiveness is a process and may take a long time. You are not a bad person if every now and then, someone’s wrongdoings come to mind.

2. You don’t have to like someone to forgive them.

"Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." – Jonathan Huie

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you like them as a person. You may not have anything in common, approve of the things they do or the way they do them, or even think they are a good person. Forgiving someone simply means you accept that what they did to you is wrong, and you don’t allow it to hurt you anymore.

3. You don’t have to continue associating with them.

“You don’t have to build a relationship with everyone you’ve forgiven. Just because you’re at peace, doesn’t mean they’re not still toxic.” – Unknown

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. It is a personal decision whether you decide to forgive someone, and you don’t even need to tell them that you’ve forgiven them at all. You don’t need to talk to them or try to rebuild the relationship. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself.

At the end of the day, forgiveness is something you choose to do. You may think that you don’t need to forgive someone, but it may be affecting you more than you think.

“It's not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” – Tyler Perry

Forgiving Yourself

Many carry the burden of past mistakes on their shoulders and find it hard to forgive themselves no matter how much time has passed. You are always deserving of forgiveness; here are some key points to help you remember that:

1. You have the right to forgive yourself even if others don’t.

“We all make mistakes, don’t we? But if you can’t forgive yourself, you’ll always be an exile in your own life.” — Curtis Sittenfeld

Not everyone is going to forgive you. You may have a fallout with your friend group, and they still hold a grudge against you, you may have offended someone, you could have done the worst thing you can imagine, but as long as you have acknowledged your mistakes and are actively trying to be better, you are deserving of forgiveness. Others may not be ready to forgive you, or they may not even want to and that is not their fault, but if you continue to burden yourself with past mistakes, you will not be able to move on. Have the courage to forgive yourself so that you may finally heal.

2. It’s okay to make mistakes.

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.” – Maya Angelou

You may think that you should have known better and maybe you should’ve, but you didn’t, and that is not your fault. Mistakes are what help us grow and learn; mistakes are inevitable. In order to be proud of the person you are today, you have to be proud of the person you used to be, and if you’re not proud of who you are now, learn to be thankful because it is your being that inspires you to change.

3. Trying is reason enough.

“As long as you try your best, that is all that matters.” – Penny Lancaster

It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up, how recent or how bad it was, if you are trying to change, that is reason enough to forgive yourself. Don’t burden yourself with a million things you may have done wrong, instead focus on the million things you could do right. Always strive to be your best, but don’t beat yourself up if your best then wasn’t your best now.

Untangle yourself from the knot you have created. The future is not in the past.